confession of a feeble heart

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Psalm 139:1-4

When I feel that no one understands me, I am deeply comforted by his word that reminds me of how my Savior knows even the deepest crevices of my heart. As I cry out in my helplessness and desire for a human soul to fully comprehend the extent and difference of my trials, I am reminded that my God is there as my Creator and can empathize as he once walked as man on this earth. I am encouraged to plow through and persevere because Christ has always given me only what I can handle and desires more than anything all of my obedience and my heart to be fully given to him. As a twenty four year old, I can truly say that this life is too difficult to live on my own self will. My greatest weakness is falling into what the enemy desires the most...blaming my Creator in circumstances that seem bleak when it involves seeing the heartache of people I love most. I triumph in knowing that my Savior knows the condition of my heart, the thoughts in my head, and he is able to comfort me by interceding on my behalf as my Abba Father. There are more days than not that I feel further from Christ because of the depth and continuation of my sins, but I know that I am free from this because Christ has payed the price and graciously forgives me in my repentance. I continue to plead with Christ..that I would learn to surrender the trials of my heart, the ongoing trials of my life, and to fully entrust my faith in him. In circumstances, I find myself writing and clinging to Christ, but I feel ashamed knowing that this clinging should be a daily desire in the good times and the bad. There is beauty in being broken as he is able to rebuild me with his love and grace as a loving father picks up his fallen child. Although the current state of my heart is filled with much worry, there is comfort because Christ has not once forsaken me and no matter how these circumstances continue to unfold..I will take joy and praise my Savior as he has and continues to bless me with more than I truly deserve.

F2BM

1. Fascination with speckled dots

2. Owned through what he's done

3. Battle wounds that can't be undone

It is the human heart that sways any sense into pure emotion. Years of built up walls slowly come crashing down only to be rebuilt at the utterance of one word that in turn causes the shut down button to automatically activate. The race seems impossible. The fight seems lost, but day after day there is hope in something greater.

giving thanks:

if my life was perfect, i would not know you.

appa.

friends who keep it real.

cold weather.cold ice. cold period.

learning through my kids.

books of every shape and size

His Perfect Timing :)

At 12:27 today, I was offered a full time teaching position. I know that it was God who led every step of the way and

after 337 applications online, 10 interview rejections in this past summer alone, and a period of anxiously waiting, I can say that

God graciously provided in his perfect timing. Prior to this week, I spent time with Marian and at one point in our conversation,

she had asked if I surrendered my job to God. Although I wished that I could have answered with an affirming yes, I knew that the answer was far from that and it made me think of the true reality of my complaining heart that matched that of a temperamental ten year old. The following week on Thursday, I was asked to come in and interview at two different school districts, but the times of the interviews were too close to each other. After much contemplation, I canceled one interview and asked that God would bring me peace and guidance in making this decision. That Thursday night, I met with two sisters who encouraged me greatly throughout our dinner time together and gave me practice interview questions for the next day to come. When it came to the interview, I was presented with a daunting panel of ten (psychologist, superintendent, principal, math teacher, counselor...I was confused at why some of these people were on the panel..scary people who refused to smile!!!) who sat at a U-shaped table with me smack in the middle. A long list of questions lasted for about forty minutes and they let me know that they would be interviewing all day. During the interview, I felt relieved that some of the questions that the sisters had brought up the night before were asked. (BIG THANK YOU :D) If you know me, I am not the most patient and get easily stressed by anything and everything. I called the school district the same day I had interviewed and asked if results were out as they had informed me that the turn around rate would be either the end of the day or Monday. The secretary let me know that interviews were still going on, but it was already past five. This morning, I called and the secretary who seemed annoyed as this was the third time I had called let me know that the board had still not made a decision. As I was in the middle of teaching for a teacher friend who got married recently, I excused the kiddlets out to lunch and saw that I had a missed call from the school district along with one saved voicemail. From previous experience, I knew that this was to inform me of another rejection. Without much thought, I called the secretary without checking the voicemail and started with Hi, I know I didn't get the job, but I wanted to..blah blah blah when she let me know...We are calling to ask if you would accept our job offer. The rest of the day was spent crying and shrieking in joy. :D I thank God for his faithfulness and his perfect timing. I desire to continue to learn what it means to completely surrender to him. There is nothing that I have done to deserve this tremendous blessing, but I hope that I can use this job to be a light to my new students :D and teachers around me.

Thank you friends and family for your prayers, love, and support. :D The job starts immediately on Wednesday! :D Wish me luck..they're most likely all taller than me :/

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. Psalm 18:32

gracias :)

Going through the daily grind definitely has its ups and downs. More often than not, I easily forget that I am abundantly blessed and it is Christ that has given me all these things. From now until the end of August, my life may drastically change. Comforts that I hold onto may quickly disappear, but I have faith that God will bring me much peace in whatever happens because he's leading me every step of the way.

I decided to compile a quick list of what I'm thankful for to remind me that even through times that seem hopeless, there is hope because of Christ :)

I empathize with my 1st graders because as I thought about what I'm thankful for...one page, one blog entry, one of anything would not suffice

I am thankful for...

• Christ's sacrifice on the cross and for his daily reminder that I am his child
• the strongest man I know..appa and his love for his only and favorite dahl :)
• PPK Kim family..for loving me despite my 1st and 2nd year of college..(shudder..let us erase those memories, please?)
• Marine :) for guidance, MUCH patience :), and understanding
• University of California, Irvine...for the many years of providing me with a top notch education
• my loving cousins Joanne & Eunice...thank you for the support, love, and nonstop feeding through the toughest of times
  
• health, every breath I take, and the ability to comprehend information
• a passion for teaching (I will not change careers :) Please don't tell me to even though the economy is horrible :)
  
• books..without these, I would have a hard time functioning. Borders, Barnes and Nobles, old town bookstores..whatever it may be, however they may look....I can spend hours engulfed by a stack of books..they make me :) happy!
• dskim,jkim, bora,marine,cj,jqt,lynna, cheena, jenki,sharah, mama... :) never fail to amaze me as you are all gifted in so many ways
• I am thankful that Christ sustains me each day. If you are reading this, you probably know full well what my top three concerns are for this upcoming year. I ask that you would pray for me and help me to surrender these worries to him.

on a completely random note: Toy Story 3 was awesome! :) can't wait for Potter November 2010!!

broken

I've had many breaking points through these tough economic times...the easiest way is to cry, scream, and ask God why the job market is this way, but I know he has a plan. I know that he's sovereign and truly desires for my heart to be fully surrendered to him.

For my 3 readers, please pray that I would obediently and fully surrender my worries to him. Please pray that I would delight with much joy even if the job situation does not work out. Please pray that I would learn to be content with everything he has and continues to bless me with.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 :D

the end is near! :D

It puzzles me that some people are not aware of their surroundings and how their speech and actions may affect others. noon-chi is a big plus :) I realize that I love doing anything academically related at home. Good music, piles of homework, cup of necessary writing tools..bring it on MAT program..can't wait to finish! Being by myself sometimes it the perfect remedy to a stressful week!

More than anything, I am excited to end these past years of blood, sweat, and tears in the MAT program.

blood from dirty children and endless paper cuts from prep in the wee hours of the morning
sweat from running after my cute, but dirty children
and tears from separating from my kids at the end of each year

my life revolves around these kids, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my job. I love teaching. I will never get another job unless it involves TEACHING + CHILDREN :D

Among the plethora of thoughts that invade my tiny mind, I've been holding onto this verse especially through this week

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in HIM my HEART TRUSTS, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to HIM. Psalm 28:7

I'm thankful for a father that loves me unconditionally. I still don't fully understand how someone can do this, but I just know he does.

1 week til graduation :) It's bittersweet. I'll never be in school again, but I know that I'll be missing sitting at Berkeley Place with Jenny and Katie :D I WON'T miss the many trees my professors and I have killed in this program. I'm torn on the all nighters Jenny and I pulled to get through the program. I won't miss crying in the living room wondering if we're going to make it through the program, but I'll miss going to 7-11 and getting chocolate covered espresso beans and nasty starbucks frapps to keep us awake.

If you're coming to graduation, I thank you in advance. It means the world because every time I thought of giving up from the madness that this program entails, you guys kept me going :D
DianeSKim, I know you don't read this, but you my friend have been one of the greatest encouragements a sista like me could have :D plus..I don't know anyone else who I can talk to about people like GB :D

Next week seems so far away, but I want to finish faithfully.

plowing onward!!!

Less

As of lately, thoughts of BBANG (bread) invade my mind the instant I wake up. I'm guessing that this is most likely the result of being physically ill and wanting something warm. Working with a kid with severe ADHD every week has definitely had its ups and downs and it's only shown me how impure my own heart is. More than looking out for his needs, I'm constantly sitting there wanting to bang my own head against the wall. A typical conversation goes like this, " Insert kid's name here, what is 1/2 + 1/2?" He proceeds to run around the classroom and as I utterly fail to catch him, he screeches, screams, and starts flailing his arms in every direction. There are very few moments when I work with this child where he obediently does what is asked and his motivation to learn is minimal to say the least. Yet, I've found an attachment to him because of the amount of time I spend with him every week. There are more times where he rejects me, throws objects of every shape and size, and has me chase him around which on a positive note gives me my daily dose of exercise. Everything in my flesh has me fighting to love him and there are days where I have to motivate myself through something like, "Yuna..just go and you can have chik fil a sweet tea after !" This entire year, I've been wanting to surrender my worries, but when it comes down to it, I still hold onto them and let my pride and desire to control every situation come in the way.

The point of this blog for me is to look back and see how God has been faithfully working in my life even in my unfaithfulness.

:) To my faithful two readers...thank you :)

On a completely random note...I've realized that it's futile asking people from church to play Bananagrams with me.. :( I think it's out of pity that they play. It's okay though. Online bananagrams, let's go! :)


23 Day Until Graduation ...If you love me, you will come...hahaha. JK....not really! One more: If you haven't replied, please do ASAP :)